i still feel for you i guess… i’m sorry

It’s been another week, month, year since I came clean with my sins. Many say being honest and truthful sets you free (veritas liberabit vos) from a life of lies. Well I certainly don’t feel free and I was certainly shit deep in deceit. Now I’m just shit deep in self-hate and isolation. God how am I supposed to get married in a month with my shit brain and thoughts?

I know I need to forgive myself and forget because damn it I am a good person. I mean at least most of the time and the other part is just human, but let’s face it humanity sucks and I know I ain’t no different.

Maybe I’m writing this because I’m torn about what I really want. I destroyed the relationship of my dreams x2 but found a relationship of forgiveness and growth. Can I really be happy with someone who sees in me what I no longer see? Why do I dream of what once was instead of what is now? Cold feet or desolate tundra? I wish I could drink tonight but back to work…
  • Current Music
    i hope you’re not sleeping as tightly as you used to be - aeuria

i(t) don't feel the same

The past year+ has been absolutely terrible to me but because of me.

- I don’t feel like I resemble myself anymore,
- I don’t feel like I have been able to be happy,
- I don’t feel the need to lie as I once did,
- I don’t feel as sad or as mad either,
- I don’t feel anything much at all right now and… what a relief.

Fuck I wish I was a better person. I know I can because I was and I will again.

Thank God in heaven for this new job of new beginnings where I just focus on helping the people I always wanted. If I can’t help my sad fuck self then at least I can put my issues aside and work towards a healthier future for others. Maybe this is where I was suppose to be, maybe it’s not about me for once (or thrice), maybe this is where I belong.

It don’t feel the same.
  • Current Music
    The Killers - When We Were Young

no rest for the wicked

So I did it, no lie. I went to therapy for 4 months and made a great deal of personal discoveries. I have been lying for decades, at least since I was 5, and it typically revolved around protecting myself from unsettling situations or simply running confrontations. I'd lie to get out of trouble, to avoid a fight, to protect someone's feelings. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt myself because that would mean I was in the wrong. What a shitty coping/resolution mechanism. 

So the past months I have done my darnedest to tell the damn truth.

I also learned that I projected my wants, my goals onto my ex's and compared them to me. Instead of appreciating their unique qualities and loving them for them, I kept holding them to these metrics that didn't matter. Whether it was fitness, finances, education, energy, innovation — I just didn't stop comparing. Eventually, I started comparing ex's to relationships and well that's how I got into this fucking mess.

Am I better person now? Perphaps. I lost who I was and broke me down. I've restrained the vile monster or is it vanquished for good? 

I still regret what I did and it still eats me alive. I haven't felt a moment of happiness in over a year. I still dream of you and that's the only rest I get.

  • Current Music
    Machine Gun Kelly - forget me too

i am (not) a monster

It's been 4 years since I came here writing confessions and looking for redemption. Nothing's changed, certainly not me.

I'm not just a heartbreaker - I'm a liar. I'm a cheater.  I'm a manipulator. I'm a coward. Every relationship in the past few years has led me to make similar decisions, with similar risks, with similar people, and causing similar pain. I'm the center of this cycle of betrayal, in some disgusting fascade of depression, lonliness, and inability to be content. My addiction to self-satisfaction knows no bounds, it has no limits with kind, honest, caring lovers. It doesn't protect them, nor does it protect me. This dark desire feeds on raw sin wearing sheep's clothing. I am a monster.

It took a mirrior of truth, from sources outside my control, to see this beast who I couldn't allow myself to see before. I candy coated so many white lies with powdery sugar, that I couldn't even taste the rotten. So when the truth pierced my mental walls, my stories, my reasons, my motivations....were so wildly wrong that I couldnt recognize truth from lie. I was shocked at how far I went with all the stories. This has to end.

I booked a therapist. Finally, let's become real again.
  • Current Music
    ILLENIUM - God Damnit

a place to prepare

It's been two years since I met you and over a year since it ended, but in all this time I still haven't moved. I truly respected you so I didn't fight against the grain, but let gravity slip you away. Our infrequent messaging of hello's and friendly pictures of our favorite places only seems to inflict some pain deeper with each character we send. So I asked you for a moment.

For a place and a time to see a face that was mine.

I'm scared to see you now because you have your own and he has you, and no one should be teased with what they can't have. In my current world that is simply, blue and grey, you truly showed a light that I don't forget. It became a stretch of happiness and joy, that my mind preserved for safekeeping for times like this and then. I wish I was more appreciative of your current happiness now than my unjust jealousy.

Envy is my worst sin.

So how do I prepare myself to see you again? Do I tell you how deep my depression goes? Do I explain my most recent accomplishments and praises? Or share my plan for the future? Do I negotiate a communication agreement? I think I will simply thank you and explain what a blessing it was to have you in my life. I think I will ask for you reasons on why you ended us. Maybe you have the secret to turning me into the best me for the next you.

Alright, see you soon.


Post script

"It just wasn't that great" - Hers, not mine. May these words forever promote the abolishment of hope. If it wasn't that great, then I hope I find better to experience what is.
  • Current Music
    Metaphysical - Autograf

a lesson to be learned

Even before I was accepted to any school, I had planned to practice at a nearby tertiary care centers and collaborate with amazing colleagues. I dreamed to lead a research team at my previous employer to combine health science and engineering into new medical products. I had many reasons to pursue additional education and when I received an offer letter to the top program in the nation....I was shocked. My heart skipped a beat(or two) to think of joining such a prestigious institution and it filled my soul with accomplishment.

It took me multiple years of dedicated planning, intense learning, and exhaustive working weeks to complete the program. Upon graduation, I received a rejection that would prevent me from obtaining the necessary training to practice in a top institution and would limit my movement into an industrial corporation...my heart skipped another beat. In all my dreams and thoughts and plans, I had never saved anything for "plan b". I placed all of my eggs in the most competitive of baskets and they were cracked to ooze all over a desolate ground.

Some say that these things happen so that we might learn a lesson. So here I am, a student once again.

  • Current Music
    One Moment - Michael Nyman

a letter to Dad

Dear you,

Remember all those times we would go fishing and catch some trout and cook it for dinner? Or what about the times you'd drive us all over the state and we'd get to go camping at all the coolest parks and rivers? What about when you let me drive the skiff and I almost ran us onto the beach? Yeah, those were the times Dad.

You know, I wouldn't be the self-driven, sociable, witty man I am today if it wasn't for you. I probably wouldn't even have graduated college if you didn't help me with the costs and tell me I was so damn smart all the time. Gosh, you know it's embarrassing when you tell everyone that I'm the smartest person you know. I get it, you're proud of me, but calm down okay? And I have something I wanted to tell you. You remember when you wished that every day I came home would be the last day of school so that we could spend more time together? Yeah, I wish I didn't go back to school either.

It's not that more education is a bad decision, it's just like any other big sacrifice. I had to move an hour away, I didn't make time to talk to you everyday, and I really missed you too. I'm sorry I wasn't there to cook you food, and to make sure you were taking your medications, and to make sure the house was doing well. I wish I could have taken care of you better, just like you did for me.

Oh yeah and I graduated. I'm a "doctor" now....but don't tell everyone okay? It's still embarrassing. The graduation was nice and all, and I'm sure you wanted to be there. I wanted you to be there too. It's been barely over two years since your breathe became air. Sometimes I still see you around in my thoughts or my memories. I have a couple of pictures I like to look at that remind me how happy and funny you were. I visit you when I can and bring you some flowers. It kind of reminds me of when you always bought mom flowers on the weekends.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for you. I'd love to catch up sometime, let me know when you're free okay?

With love,

confessions of why i am a heartbreaker

At the end of many relationships, the broken hearted are often left standing alone with many painful questions. These thoughts are completely normal and vary due to wording, timing, location, and everything else that made up that final conversation with your newly, minted ex. And it all really hurts. It's called a broken heart because of that excruciating pain in your chest that leads to tear-soaked pillows, feelings of crushing despair, and a predictable weather forecast of consistently, cloudy days. But let's remember this, "a broken heart still beats" and there are countless articles and famous singers to help repair a heart. This journal entry, however, is for the me's in the world, the heartbreakers, and the mentality of why we did(do) it.

Obviously, it hurts us too when to end relationships. In fact, we've probably been hurting for the days/weeks/months leading up to the "talk," which completely contrasts the immediate pain the listener experiences. And it sucks so see that person you cared for, you cooked for, you sacrificed for, now realizing what is happening to them as their instinctive tears make their way to the floor. It's heartbreaking for us too, but we "needed" this to happen to relieve us from our pain.

I believe that by breaking hearts, we are sometimes being cowards. We are choosing not to solve any underlying issues, we may not even choose to talk about our problems with the relationship. So instead of putting effort into making it all work out, we abandon you and choose to be single again. Maybe we hope to deal with someone who is more compatible or who we might have less conflicts with. We do know that all relationships are not without problems, but sometimes there are just too many things and we don't connect to you anymore. "It's not you, it me," is a completely rational feeling to us because in general we don't hate you, or think you're a bad human being, in fact we generally believe we are the monsters. We don't go into a relationship planning to end it, but maybe we don't do enough planning to make it last. We see the good in you, we see your strengths, but sadly we are unwilling to weather your weaknesses (which is one of our weaknesses). 

I have no pride or satisfaction of what I have done. This is my confession that I need help, that I need to discover what is inherently causing me to bail from commitment or similarly not give a relationship the honest effort it deserves. I often dream of what could have been, if I had been more patient, understanding, and willing. Sorry to my exes. I hope y'all have found a healthy, strong, loving partner to be with. Sometimes I wish that person was me.

Now, does anyone know a good therapist?